In Defense of Dad

I feel like dads get the short end of the stick. 

Moms get dubbed with a "maternal instinct" and "mother knows best." But what does dad get?

Dads get a Daddy Boot Camp run by moms.

Could there be a "paternal instinct"? Dads are more commonly than not the bread winners of the family (despite all of Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In efforts), so they are usually forced to focus more on work than family.

While I'm all about gender equality in the workforce, I do understand the need for having a dedicated parent focused on the child... as opposed to focused on work. And someone needs to be focused on work to financially support the family. 

Due to traditional family roles, the responsibly of focusing on baby is more likely to fall on the mother. But in today's society, dads are increasingly taking on the role of full-time parent.

So how come they're not getting the same praise and respect as stay-at-home moms in general consciousness?

DH has changed just as many diapers, been peed on and thrown up on just as many times, and worried just as much as I have. I saw his paternal instinct shine when I was stuck in the hospital bed after my c-section and the responsibility of caring for J was in his hands. When we switched to bottle feeding, DH jumped to the chance to finally get to feed J.

Sometimes "dad" really does know best. I guess it'll take just as much time for dad to get the same respect as moms in the household as it takes for women to get the same respect as men in the workforce, but it's nice to see the evolution of gender roles, even if it is baby steps.

Go Dad!

Grandma Got Dipped

I just heard the perfect story that truly represents ancient advice that no longer holds water.

My friend's grandma once told her that in Siberia, people used to cut a hole in an ice pond and dip in newborns to test their endurance for health. 

If the newborn survived, then they will be healthy for the next 5 years. 

If the newborn died, then they were weak anyway.

Of course, grandma got dipped and has survived over 80 years so clearly the test works.

Let's dip our newborns in ice water to test their endurance! Surely it's the only way to survive this crazy crazy world.

Drama, drama, drama... But it's all worth it

I started off my blog dramatizing the angst of early parenthood. Picking on unwanted advice, disapproving commentary, and well-meaning yet frustrating gestures. But it's important to note that parenthood isn't all about drama and sleepless nights.

You find yourself surrounded by loving, thoughtful, and generous friends and family supporting you through what seems like an endless day (while time still flies). You find yourself deeply overjoyed by your growing family and, despite the frustration, you're the happiest you've ever been. 

You need your circle of loved ones more than anything at this point.

You find yourself appreciating everyone in your life and being more grateful than you thought you could ever be.

And if you're lucky to be blessed with amazing parents like us, you realize you'd be stuck in baby-blues hell without them.

So while I'm digging into a certain mindset here, it's important to look back at the advice, support, and endless, unsolicited LOVE that pores out to you. Be grateful. Be happy.

And try not to offend anyone. Just nod and smile...

Gaming the Pacifier

Some product manufacturing just doesn't make sense.

Our favorite pacifier is the Avent Soothie. J refused taking pacifiers until he was 3 months and now he has a particular preference.

This is an Amazon Screenshot

The Soothie is purchased based on baby's age: 0-3 months, 3-6 months, etc.

For some reason, you always find yourself low on pacifiers. So I decided to purchase some on Amazon. Since J was going on 4 months, I purchased the 3-6 months pacifier. At the time, I didn't know what the difference would be. Since it's an online purchase, I couldn't really see it so I figured it's somehow ergonomically different for slightly older infants. Maybe it's bigger, I thought.

It turned out, the 3-6 month old pacifier is hard as a rock. J didn't have the strength or patience to even attempt to keep this one in his mouth. I had to go to CVS and buy the softer, 0-3 month, Soothie for twice the price.

They really should make the difference between the pacifiers more clear on the packaging.

Eh, you live, you learn. 

This guy is costing us a fortune. Baby product companies sure do make a killing on emergency purchases. How many parents panic on a daily basis that they urgently need to buy something for baby and disregard the price? For baby, we will do anything. Rain, snowstorm, sick, hurt, ain't nothing gonna stop us.

Makes you want to be a baby again. J is the king of the house and he knows it. 

Parents Are So Judgy!

A woman put up a video of her daughter throwing a tantrum because she wanted her iPad. It went viral. Now the girl's parents are being called bad parents. The father says the video is a small clip of a short moment and defends his parenting ability: "'iPad Tantrum' Dad Speaks on Viral Video.

Why is everyone so judgy? Outsiders are so quick to judge your parenting abilities. It's rude!

Parenting is a tough job. You are responsible for another life. Everything you do could affect this child's future. And it's seemingly irreversible... It's so much power. It's so much pressure. 

I say, stop judging!!! When you're a parent, sometimes you just have to go with it. Outsiders shouldn't be telling you how to raise your child. You need to make your own decisions. You need to make your own mistakes. And who is to say that you're even making mistakes? If you think you're doing it right, it's your kid...

Haters gonna hate.

So It's That Easy...

Today my husband said I'm a great mother. 

So I cooked him a steak dinner.

He knows the right buttons...

He's Trying To Kill Us

Don't let those big blue eyes and endearing smile fool you. This kid is Chucky.

Two weeks ago, J got sick. So naturally, he woke up frequently which made the night difficult. I was basically narcoleptic for 5 days.

Then, he decides to take out the big guy too. DH has been sniffling and bed-ridden for days.

I thought he just had a vendetta against me, but it looks like he's out for both of us.

He's lucky he's cute...smh.

That B*tch Won't Feed Me

So we started sleep training. There are so many different methods to sleep training. Cry-it-out, No Cry Method, Hybrid, No Sleep Training Method... Seriously, do there have to be so many rules to torture the mom?

J used to eat 3-4 times a night. He woke up every 3 hours and it took an hour to get him to fall back asleep. Guess how many hours mommy got to sleep...

A total of 4-6 interrupted hours per night.

Mama needs her sleep!!!!

I'm a working mom. Coming to work like a zombie is not fun. 

DH has tried to help but he's a dentist and needs his hands stable in the morning... I can still type with shaking hands. 

With the doctor's permission, I started sleep training. I've adopted the trial and error method. First, I tried the Ferber method because my instinct is to sleep when J wakes up in the middle of the night. But as the guilt and "evil mother" thoughts flowed through my mind, I decided that I won't let him cry for more than 30 minutes. After he cried for 30 minutes, I would give him a pacifier and rock him to sleep.

No food until 6am!!!

And you know what, it worked. J started sleeping for up to 9 hours.

Well, at least for 3 days.

You see, J sleeps in a Fisher-Price Rock and Play because he had congestion and reflux since his first days and slept best on an incline. Since mama needs her sleep, mama fell in love with the rocker.

Of course J is going to grow out of the rocker, so mama made the bright decision to start training J to the crib now that he's sleeping through the night. 

But of course J wasn't having it and started waking up every hour and a half. So mama decided it's too soon for the transition and put him back in the rocker. But J's sleep was already interrupted and the sleep training went down the toilet.

So my parents decided to take J for the night so I can sleep and be functional at work. I gave them instructions on how to sleep train him and made it very clear not to feed him in the middle of the night.

What do you think happened then?

While they tried at first, it was difficult for them to watch J "suffer." (A guilty feeling I know all too well). They concluded that it's torture for him and I'm starving him. Then, they surveyed friends and family and other doctor friends and concluded that I was doing it all WRONG! 

They've been my lifesavers during this so I shouldn't complain, but as if my confidence about being a good mom wasn't already wabbly...

That's when my mommy guilt came back.

I didn't know what to do. The sleep training worked once upon a time. Was I really starving my son? Is the crying going to stress him out for the rest of his life? Am I a terrible mother?

So I sought out my pediatrician's advice because he has 50 years experience and I've settled on only listening to his advice (or else I'll loose my mind). He said that sleep training is trial and error. "Try different methods. You can't starve him. He doesn't need to eat at night anymore. He can go up to 12 hours without eating."

Phew... Only now my guilt was maximized so I wasn't going to let him cry again. Not to mention that the poor guy got sick and I felt bad making him cry while his nose was congested.

I've adopted the slow train method.

I'm starting off gently and stretching out his night eating and limiting it to before midnight and after 5 am only... No in-betweenies. At least he'll learn not to eat for those 5 hours which will give me 5 hours of guaranteed sleep. And then I'll gradually stretch the time until he sleeps 9-6... Which is my dream goal!!! 

That is, except Saturday and Sunday. The dude needs to sleep past 5am. Seriously, worst roommate ever!!

4 Months Later...

I've had a baby for 4 months and now I'm an expert in diaper changing, baby products, and mommy wars.

Okay, maybe "expert" is a strong word.

Here's what I've learned so far: 

(1) When J is hungry (my 4 month old son), there's no stopping the screaming.

(2) There's no perfect way to sleep train (every baby is different).

(3) Grandparents think you have no idea how to raise your child (so they give unnecessary advice that is either 30 years too old or hearsay, and I object)

(4) Even people who have never experienced parenthood will give you unsolicited advice.

(5) Don't expect to sleep properly for a while after having a newborn.

(6) There are a million choices in baby products. Ask others for advice, test them for yourself, and you'll get it wrong a few times. But hey, that's true about parenting in general. Just go with it!

(7) J is human so common sense helps with decision making.

(8) The parenting burden doesn't have to be 100% on me. DH is an amazing father  and if he wants to hold J in one arm like superman, I plan to laugh along and not fear for my son's life.

(9) J will love me no matter what. At least until he hits puberty.

(10) Ignore people when they say "you shouldn't do that." When did they become the gold standard on parenting? I know J better than anyone else. I know what makes him smile, when he's hungry, when he's sleepy, and what's right for him. He's my experiment to mess up, so stop judging me!